My tears are just my emotions on the move

Its been a while since I have posted.  I have a million excuses, none of them particularly good or ever accurate.  I've tried to write.  I'll have these amazing ideas that quickly fizzle and die.  To be honest, I just haven't made it a priority.  Instead, I spend mindless hours watching any of the "REAL Houswives" shows and laugh at the fact that, "Thank God my life isn't that bad!"
So here I am today... forgive me before I start!
Its been a rough few weeks.  This isn't meant to be a sob story, just a note to let people know where I am for those that want to know.  Life was going great.  Kids were awesome, Sam and I were closer than I could have imagined, I'd convinced myself that my Granny (who raised me) would be "better off in Heaven where all things were made right and nothing hurt."  Then (insert the dramatic movie soundrack) November 30 came.
Sam went to the doctor to have a place looked at on his foot that was not healing, being a diabetic it was a race against time:  heal or get infected.  Infection won out.  He was admitted to the hospital that night and scheduled for surgery on Friday to remove infected bone from the foot.  My kids were scared. I was scared. And the person who always calms me, was now in the hospital and was scared.  Don't think that for a minute we ever questioned God's ability to heal him- our faith NEVER waivered.  But the gravity of the situation (off work, child care, finances) was overwhelming.
The following Sunday, my Granny died.  After all the brave talk of "She's better off," "I'm okay,"I'll schedule a breakdown later," I didn't know what to do.  My Granny and I have always been close.  She raised me and did a great job of it.  But there were times when I found it hard to be around her.  I'm not posting this to hurt her memory in any way, but there was alot of emotion wrapped up in our relationship, most of which was unresolved. 
I went to the funeral, by this time Sam was home from the hospital and doing great, our friends were such a great help with the kids also.  Anyone who knows me, knows that when I'm stressed, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable I do one of two things: get busy with tasks people normally dislike or I use humor as a badge of honor.  I chose to use both during the funeral and the next few weeks. 
The week after her funeral, I had a mammogram and found out that I had to have biopsy.  Nothing like the fear of the unknown  to send an already emotional, bad-joke-telling,sad, overwhelmed, tired, argumentative, Evil-ina wanna be right over the edge!
My first thought was a spritual one, "Wow God, the devil must know I'm getting ready to be blessed or he wouldn't be throwing this at me!"  My next thought was, "Are you kidding me???????" Then finally I thought, "Okay, bring it.  I am finally totally out of control of all things in my life, might as well stand up." 
I'm an emotional being.  I cry at commercials, I laugh without having a reason to.  But this, overwhelming need to cry uncontrollably any where I was, was just too much!  People asked me "How are you?"  I'm just being real when I say, most people don't really want to know what your feeling.  Emotional honesty is uncomfortable!  So, I lied.  I said, "I'm fine.  Just overwhelmed.  I'll get through it.  How are YOU?"
Then, I found myself in church, crying uncontrollably, ignoring my best friend, and wanting to leave...  Most of the time when people saw me crying or upset, the first response was "Honey, you have to rely on God. Don't let your faith waiver!" Oh my, how that could set me off and make me forget my grief, sadness, and fear!  I became angry!  Since when do tears mean you don't belive in God? That your faith has taken a leave of absensce?  That you are weak and feeble minded? 
Thankfully, that day, a real life Angel showed up.  She stopped me as I was trying to leave and asked the dreaded question, "How are you?"  I of course responded with, you guessed it, "I'm fine.  Just overwhelmed.  I'm going home."  And for the first time in a really long time (actually in probably 15 years, someone talked to me the way my Granny used to) she said, "You are lying to me and you're lying to yourself!  You are not leaving until you feel something." 
I would like to say that the next 45 minute crying jag was cleansing and I never cried again.  It did make me feel better and made me more honest about my feelings. But, I have cried since (I'm actually crying now;)
So, know this: 

• Tears are not a sign that you are weak, that you don't have faith, that you are a sad sorry excuse for a christian or a human being. 
• Nor does it mean that you want the attention that comes with tears and feelings or that you will never feel better again. 
• Tears mean that I'm feeling something that doesn't feel good. 
• It means that I'm finally not ignoring how I feel. 
•  It means that my emotions areon the move to something else that makes me feel better.
• My tears mean that my faith is stronger than its ever been because I am allowing myself to not only feel, but to truely rely on Him.

So, here's an original quote from the one and only MBeezy:  "My tears are just my emotions on the move." 

I went on a lunch date today with myself!

I have tried several times to sit down and write over the past few weeks.  It turns out that trying to write is much harder than it used to be for me.  I used to sit down for hours and write stories, poetry (really bad poetry), and journal.  Now sitting down to write is really hard.  I get inspired, I sit down, I log on... then the inspiration leaves me.  I get distracted. The kids are playing.  Sam is talking.  My  mind starts to race.  The thought leaves me.  Then I get on facebook, its mindless and my status updates take 10 seconds to write and I can mindlessly play "Gardens of Time" forever!
It hit me the reason why its so hard for me to write:  It requires one on one time with just me.  I have to search myself, ask myself questions, and allow myself to open up.  I'm used to taking care of other people.  To meeting their needs.  To making sure things are taken care of.  By the time that's done the only thing my mind can conentrate on is a silly FB game! 
So, yesterday evening the kids went to friends house to stay the night.  I visited a friend (got to hold baby Ariana!) and then Sam and I went to the movies.  We got home, went straight to bed!  I was exhausted!  This morning Sam wakes me up and asks me I want to go to some yard sales (I love to do it, I'm sure it was painful for him to even offer much less go with me and wear a smile!).  We then cleaned our cars and came home.
After all of that I went and got my hair cut (wow... thank goodness I was able to come home and fix it myself!).  This is a way of taking care of myself but, I noticed that the whole time I was there, I was making lists in my head, talking about my husband and kids, talking about what they do.  I found myself asking the hair dresser about her life, her kids, her job.  Not one time did I really relax and just be.
I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea- I love being with my family and friends.  I love to spend time with other people and take care of things that need to be taken care of.  But, I don't do a lot for just me.  I think that sometimes people view "me" time as a luxury or something silly to ask for. We usually lie and say its because we are too busy to have "me" time when in all actuality we are probably more afraid that we won't have anything good to say about ourselves.  I think it is necessary.  Because if you can't stand to be by yourself, how tolerable are you to others and how tolerant are you of them?
So after doing the yard sales, cleaning the car, and hair cut... I went to lunch... by myself. I used to do this all the time when I was single and didn't have kids.  I loved to go to the movies and out to eat by myself.  I enjoyed the time to think about what I want to think about.  Eat what I want, where I want, and take as long as I wanted.  It didn't bother me that other people looked at me and gave me the "you poor lonely thing" look.  One time I went out to eat by myself and a couple I knew asked me to sit with them, "You don't have to eat all alone!  Come sit with us!"  When I tried to explain to them that I purposely was there by myself, they looked at me like I'd lost my mind.  They were uncomfortable with that- you could see it on their faces!  They felt sorry for me and were somewhat embarrassed for me!
I enjoyed myself today at lunch.  I ate what I wanted (Chinese- none of my family likes it!) and took my time.  I sat quietly in the restaurant watching people and enjoying my "me" time.  I still made a list, still thought of the kids and Sam, still checked my cell phone for texts and FB updates.  But, I allowed myself to do it. There, all alone in a restaraunt full of people who didn't even seem to notice I was by myself!
I have been on a journey the past few years.  I've been searching myself and looking to see what needs to stay, what needs to leave, and what needs some repairs.  I'm not who or where I want to be yet.  I know there are still things for me to do.  My "honest self assessment" continues to be a work in progress.  I am learning to enjoy time by myself and not be concerned about too many things around me.
If you haven't had lunch with yourself lately, do it.  Treat yourself to good food, a good time, and good company! You deserve it!  Getting to know yourself is not easy but it is necessary.  Take time to get to know you, I've found out that I'm pretty good company, even if I do say so myself!

I jumped on the "blog"wagon!

Recently, several people I know have started a "blog."  I'll be honest, years ago when I heard the word I thought it silly and didn't really understand it.  Now, following the lead of some very intelligent and wonderful women, I've changed my mind.  After all, I love to talk, have lots to say, so here I am! 
I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll start with this:  this is a work in progress.  I want to share my heart, my musings, and my insight.  Not all of it will be interesting or fun or understood I'm sure. I'm also reasonably sure that what I will write may not always be well received or rejoiced over.  So, I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable, not something I'm particularly fond of doing but, I think its necessary. I will gladly hear your comments and any criticism or praise you may have for me!  Side notes:  my spelling is awful, my grammar sucks, but I'm trying here people... stay with me, it will improve! I'm not sure how often I'll post, at least one time a week though!
I've always felt compelled to write.  I have threatened for several years now to write a book... so, maybe this is that beginning!
So, a little about myself.  I am the oldest of two, the middle of three, and the only child.  My family, as you can see is varied and somewhat "crazy."  My parents divorced when I was young and both have remarried since then to wonderful people (here's a shout out to my step-mom Kathy and my step-dad Duane!) My grandmother, Gloria, raised me.  I'm sure there will probably be many entries about her and what I learned!  My aunt and uncle also had a huge hand in raising me (adopted me when I was 18- surely there will be blogs about the lessons learned from this too!)
I graduated from college, have a masters degree and love what I do (it's a secret- no judgement please=).  I'm married to an amazing man who loves the Lord.  We have two amazing children (8 year old son and 5 year old daughter).  I have amazing friends and a complicated family.  I'm human, I sometimes doubt myself, question why things happen, and get angry.  All the while, my love for God never waivers. 
So, entry number one, my heart didn't fail, I've not had a panic attack, I've not cried... maybe this won't be so bad, could even be fun and relaxing I think!  I pray you are blessed and talk to you soon!