My tears are just my emotions on the move

Its been a while since I have posted.  I have a million excuses, none of them particularly good or ever accurate.  I've tried to write.  I'll have these amazing ideas that quickly fizzle and die.  To be honest, I just haven't made it a priority.  Instead, I spend mindless hours watching any of the "REAL Houswives" shows and laugh at the fact that, "Thank God my life isn't that bad!"
So here I am today... forgive me before I start!
Its been a rough few weeks.  This isn't meant to be a sob story, just a note to let people know where I am for those that want to know.  Life was going great.  Kids were awesome, Sam and I were closer than I could have imagined, I'd convinced myself that my Granny (who raised me) would be "better off in Heaven where all things were made right and nothing hurt."  Then (insert the dramatic movie soundrack) November 30 came.
Sam went to the doctor to have a place looked at on his foot that was not healing, being a diabetic it was a race against time:  heal or get infected.  Infection won out.  He was admitted to the hospital that night and scheduled for surgery on Friday to remove infected bone from the foot.  My kids were scared. I was scared. And the person who always calms me, was now in the hospital and was scared.  Don't think that for a minute we ever questioned God's ability to heal him- our faith NEVER waivered.  But the gravity of the situation (off work, child care, finances) was overwhelming.
The following Sunday, my Granny died.  After all the brave talk of "She's better off," "I'm okay,"I'll schedule a breakdown later," I didn't know what to do.  My Granny and I have always been close.  She raised me and did a great job of it.  But there were times when I found it hard to be around her.  I'm not posting this to hurt her memory in any way, but there was alot of emotion wrapped up in our relationship, most of which was unresolved. 
I went to the funeral, by this time Sam was home from the hospital and doing great, our friends were such a great help with the kids also.  Anyone who knows me, knows that when I'm stressed, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable I do one of two things: get busy with tasks people normally dislike or I use humor as a badge of honor.  I chose to use both during the funeral and the next few weeks. 
The week after her funeral, I had a mammogram and found out that I had to have biopsy.  Nothing like the fear of the unknown  to send an already emotional, bad-joke-telling,sad, overwhelmed, tired, argumentative, Evil-ina wanna be right over the edge!
My first thought was a spritual one, "Wow God, the devil must know I'm getting ready to be blessed or he wouldn't be throwing this at me!"  My next thought was, "Are you kidding me???????" Then finally I thought, "Okay, bring it.  I am finally totally out of control of all things in my life, might as well stand up." 
I'm an emotional being.  I cry at commercials, I laugh without having a reason to.  But this, overwhelming need to cry uncontrollably any where I was, was just too much!  People asked me "How are you?"  I'm just being real when I say, most people don't really want to know what your feeling.  Emotional honesty is uncomfortable!  So, I lied.  I said, "I'm fine.  Just overwhelmed.  I'll get through it.  How are YOU?"
Then, I found myself in church, crying uncontrollably, ignoring my best friend, and wanting to leave...  Most of the time when people saw me crying or upset, the first response was "Honey, you have to rely on God. Don't let your faith waiver!" Oh my, how that could set me off and make me forget my grief, sadness, and fear!  I became angry!  Since when do tears mean you don't belive in God? That your faith has taken a leave of absensce?  That you are weak and feeble minded? 
Thankfully, that day, a real life Angel showed up.  She stopped me as I was trying to leave and asked the dreaded question, "How are you?"  I of course responded with, you guessed it, "I'm fine.  Just overwhelmed.  I'm going home."  And for the first time in a really long time (actually in probably 15 years, someone talked to me the way my Granny used to) she said, "You are lying to me and you're lying to yourself!  You are not leaving until you feel something." 
I would like to say that the next 45 minute crying jag was cleansing and I never cried again.  It did make me feel better and made me more honest about my feelings. But, I have cried since (I'm actually crying now;)
So, know this: 

• Tears are not a sign that you are weak, that you don't have faith, that you are a sad sorry excuse for a christian or a human being. 
• Nor does it mean that you want the attention that comes with tears and feelings or that you will never feel better again. 
• Tears mean that I'm feeling something that doesn't feel good. 
• It means that I'm finally not ignoring how I feel. 
•  It means that my emotions areon the move to something else that makes me feel better.
• My tears mean that my faith is stronger than its ever been because I am allowing myself to not only feel, but to truely rely on Him.

So, here's an original quote from the one and only MBeezy:  "My tears are just my emotions on the move."