I have tried several times to sit down and write over the past few weeks. It turns out that trying to write is much harder than it used to be for me. I used to sit down for hours and write stories, poetry (really bad poetry), and journal. Now sitting down to write is really hard. I get inspired, I sit down, I log on... then the inspiration leaves me. I get distracted. The kids are playing. Sam is talking. My mind starts to race. The thought leaves me. Then I get on facebook, its mindless and my status updates take 10 seconds to write and I can mindlessly play "Gardens of Time" forever!
It hit me the reason why its so hard for me to write: It requires one on one time with just me. I have to search myself, ask myself questions, and allow myself to open up. I'm used to taking care of other people. To meeting their needs. To making sure things are taken care of. By the time that's done the only thing my mind can conentrate on is a silly FB game!
So, yesterday evening the kids went to friends house to stay the night. I visited a friend (got to hold baby Ariana!) and then Sam and I went to the movies. We got home, went straight to bed! I was exhausted! This morning Sam wakes me up and asks me I want to go to some yard sales (I love to do it, I'm sure it was painful for him to even offer much less go with me and wear a smile!). We then cleaned our cars and came home.
After all of that I went and got my hair cut (wow... thank goodness I was able to come home and fix it myself!). This is a way of taking care of myself but, I noticed that the whole time I was there, I was making lists in my head, talking about my husband and kids, talking about what they do. I found myself asking the hair dresser about her life, her kids, her job. Not one time did I really relax and just be.
I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea- I love being with my family and friends. I love to spend time with other people and take care of things that need to be taken care of. But, I don't do a lot for just me. I think that sometimes people view "me" time as a luxury or something silly to ask for. We usually lie and say its because we are too busy to have "me" time when in all actuality we are probably more afraid that we won't have anything good to say about ourselves. I think it is necessary. Because if you can't stand to be by yourself, how tolerable are you to others and how tolerant are you of them?
So after doing the yard sales, cleaning the car, and hair cut... I went to lunch... by myself. I used to do this all the time when I was single and didn't have kids. I loved to go to the movies and out to eat by myself. I enjoyed the time to think about what I want to think about. Eat what I want, where I want, and take as long as I wanted. It didn't bother me that other people looked at me and gave me the "you poor lonely thing" look. One time I went out to eat by myself and a couple I knew asked me to sit with them, "You don't have to eat all alone! Come sit with us!" When I tried to explain to them that I purposely was there by myself, they looked at me like I'd lost my mind. They were uncomfortable with that- you could see it on their faces! They felt sorry for me and were somewhat embarrassed for me!
I enjoyed myself today at lunch. I ate what I wanted (Chinese- none of my family likes it!) and took my time. I sat quietly in the restaurant watching people and enjoying my "me" time. I still made a list, still thought of the kids and Sam, still checked my cell phone for texts and FB updates. But, I allowed myself to do it. There, all alone in a restaraunt full of people who didn't even seem to notice I was by myself!
I have been on a journey the past few years. I've been searching myself and looking to see what needs to stay, what needs to leave, and what needs some repairs. I'm not who or where I want to be yet. I know there are still things for me to do. My "honest self assessment" continues to be a work in progress. I am learning to enjoy time by myself and not be concerned about too many things around me.
If you haven't had lunch with yourself lately, do it. Treat yourself to good food, a good time, and good company! You deserve it! Getting to know yourself is not easy but it is necessary. Take time to get to know you, I've found out that I'm pretty good company, even if I do say so myself!
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